Two months ago I went home, Tavira, just to spend time with my beloved parents and make the surprise of a lifetime to my closest friends. 4 days were enough to make me feel happy and ready again to face this hard reality I have in London. And in the beginning it worked. But 2 months later ... everything seems to be ready to collapse. And I can't complain, I can't speak, I can't even share my despair because everybody is going to be worried or in more desperation then me, and that's not fair (or helpful to be honest).
That's why I decided to speak about me. I don't care who's going to read (or not) and I couldn't care less about what people are going to think about. I just have the need to put in words what I know, what I figured out and what I feel about myself. I just need to be able to read and cry and feel comforted with my own reality, with the human being that I am.
I've always been a stormy person. Even when I'm a dormant volcano, I know that my savage instincts are strongly present in my actions. I'm a rebel person, probably because I were always a spoiled girl. I always had what I wanted, even if for that I had to put some effort to make it happen. But the truth is that effort was never too much. Everything in my life was relatively easy (apart of those wasted years I spent crying and running after the wrong boy and/or the wrong friend, but everybody has at least one of those shameful moments in live, so it's not a big deal). I am an easy person to get to know and have a friendship, but I'm not an easy person to deal with I'm not in the right mood, in the right cycle (and Yes, I'm that sort of people who has a lot of cycles during life). I'm a complicated person with a lot of defects, with a very dark side hidden inside this superwoman cape. And YES (again), I pretend to be a superwoman every single moment and I get mad when someone tries to take my cape off. Because my weaknesses are mine and I don't like others to see them and when they try to ... I become a monster. But I'm not a monster ... I'm just like any other wild animal. My instincts tell me all the time that I have to protect myself against intruders. Even when they are the most important people of my life.
Sometimes I'm such a nasty person that I hurt myself hurting people I love. But it's never my intention to hurt anybody. I just don't know how to express my feelings, how to explain what's happening with me and why I'm upset. I know I tend to show that I'm perfect and no one is really good enough. I tend to punish everyone who doesn't try hard as I do, but I know I'm not walking in their shoes to know how do they feel inside. It's just me ... expecting everyone to live every moment deeply as I do.
I know I'm wrong, most of the times. I know I should be slapped once or twice to wake up and realize that I'm acting like a stupid. But I'm not a bad person. I know that I am a kind person. I know that I tend to put other first instead of me. I'm here, living faraway from my parents, my friends, my country, my special places, loosing all those special moments with those important people, because I put my dreams first. I came here looking to for something better for me. But I never did anything for me as I'm constantly doing for everyone around me. I flight to Portugal to hug and support my parents and friends because I knew they were all suffering. It was amazing for me because I really needed those smiles and those tears, but I did it mainly because they needed more then me. The smiles I did put on their faces were something unforgettable. The hope and joy I gave them was the best reward I could ever gain for myself. So I'm not a selfish person.
Eu amo profundamente e intensamente tudo o que faz parte de mim. Eu rejo-me pelo amor e pelo poder que ele tem. Eu corri o risco de me tornar banal e acreditar que o amor é que importa. Mas a verdade é que importa. Para mim o amor é único, é verdadeiro, é incontrolável, é incondicional e é aquilo que me une a tudo o que é especial. O meu amor não é banal, é raro. O meu amor é mais forte que qualquer arma de combate, que qualquer guerra e vontade. O meu amor é mais forte que qualquer explosão, que qualquer furacão. O meu amor é a mais pura força da natureza e isso faz de mim o que sou. Não "escrevi" One Love porque ficava bem em mim. Escrevi porque sei que sem ele eu já não existia. Escrevi sabendo que teria de aguentar as consequências de pôr muito peso e esperança nos outros. Sei que a desilusão vai estar sempre ligada ao que escrevi em mim, mas estou aqui para a aguentar.
I try to help others every time they need. Even when I don't know them very well, I always try to help. I like people to smile, I like make them smile, I like to make the difference in their lives even if is just through a simple action. I cry when I see children hugging their mom's, I cry when I see people hugging each others, I cry when I see pets jumping to their owners. I cry when I hear an happy story or when someone tells me about a special moment. I push my body to the limit to avoid others to get tired. I push my mind to the limit to avoid others to get crazy and panicking. I plan everything with such a good intention that I'm never satisfied with the result even if everybody is delighted about it. I am that person. I live in a roller-coaster and yet I do everything to appease others's lives.
I'm tired ... I'm so tired and it's not just physical. I'm exhausted. I'm sad and I'm loosing hope. I think I lost my own track. I need desperately to find my way back to the right track again.
Miss you all. Miss you more then you can ever imagine. <3
Até já ...